When the back of his fingers touched her cheeks, brushing her hair off her face, tucking them behind her ear; she pretended she didn’t notice it. She kept talking the way she was, although, she couldn’t hear her own words anymore. Though she wished she could hold his hand right there, close her eyes and freeze in the moment. Yet, she pretended to not have noticed. For a millisecond perhaps, she had forgotten what she was saying. She could feel the oxygen go into her lungs while breathing, along with the fragrance of his cologne. Yet, within that millisecond she composed herself and pretended to not have noticed.
She completed her sentence and rested her head on his chest while his arm was on her shoulder. The cramped backseat of the car that eve was the most comfortable ride she had ever had. He gently kissed the top of her head and placed his own on it. All eyes closed for some time. She kept sitting the way she was, didn’t move an inch; she pretended again to not have noticed. Though she was shivering now, it had sent a chill down her spine, the butterflies could be felt; she pretended to not have noticed.
The cold December evening felt so warm. They cuddled closer. They hadn’t said a word to each other in the past half hour yet they had talked so much. They had revealed their anxieties and their vulnerability could be sensed. Although there were other ongoing conversations with other people around; yet all of them pretended to not have noticed these two.
She lightly clutched his hand seeking for the security she sees in him, telling him all about her fears of losing him. Letting him know how devastated she felt even by the thought of him leaving. He understood her. He knew he had to stay for her. The gesture just said it all but he had to pretend to not have noticed it.
They had to get off finally, but they weren’t ready to give up on each other’s company as yet. They weren’t prepared. They were both too fragile in the moment to be able to say good bye. So he decided to walk her home. Trying to come to their defences again, putting up their guards, they started talking; with words this time. Reviving their senses, they pretended nothing had happened at all.
A minute into the street, both felt cold. She wrapped her hands with the hand knit black scarf she was carrying, he reached for them slipping his own hand into it.
They walked on that road unafraid of all those eyes that had been staring at them. All those people driving and the ones casually out for a walk, and those kids who knew her friends or that girl he had once claimed to have loved; any one could be staring at them, but in that moment, they pretended to not have noticed.
They kept talking for all that while. Anyone listening to them could’ve claimed they were talking real. Talking about emotions, bonds, lives, relationships, families but both of them knew they weren’t. They had to cross the busy evening road, when everyone was coming home. He shuffled her hand into his other, pulled her behind him, clearing the way for her while they walked to the other side.
She knew he cared. All this time she was trying to look into his eyes when he was too busy protecting her. He pretended to not have noticed.
As they reached the place they were headed to, she told him she didn’t want to go. Out loud this time. He didn’t protest at all and told her he had no intention of dropping her off so soon and so they turned around to walk in the opposite direction. They didn’t know why they did it or what they were looking for or intending. But perhaps they did; Yet they chose to pretend that they didn’t.
Finally like all good things it came to an end. Like all things rather, everything comes to an end. They had to part. The way it generally happened was, they hugged each other, said the good bye(s), looked into each other’s eyes one last time and go.
But the words that did the talking tonight, were not what they had in their minds.
No, they didn’t fight, they could never hurt each other in their dreams. But they said things they hadn’t planned to, things they never wanted to say. They hurt themselves. Both of them did. He was sorry, he was guilty, he was troubled himself but he didn’t let that emotion overpower the guilt. He could never admit it was her fault. He didn’t want her to go. She was different, she was in pain. But she didn’t want to look sad and weak. She instead chose to look strong and stubborn and upset. She didn’t want to go either. Yet, she held her tears back, he held his steps back. She walked past him and went home. He stood there with a little hope that she would turn around. But he watched her walk away.
She pretented as if she didn’t notice.
He pretended as if he didn’t notice.
I’m gonna miss everything and everyone. Yes we promise to stay together, some of us will, many will but things would still change. There won’t be any school corridor where we’ll see each other’s face every day. The school uniform was important indeed, all of us looked ugly and there wasn’t much we could do about it. Yet we didn’t care because we knew there are things more important. Sometimes, there are moments when you suddenly become upset, you’re mad at many people all of a sudden because you’re overthinking and you decide to never talk to these people again, yet you see them in the corridor the next morning and here they are. You can’t help hug them. You tell yourself how dumb it would be to let these people go.
But it’s gone now. We’ll overthink, we’ll assume things build over it and never see these people again if we decide to and let them go, what we wouldn’t realize is that it’s still a dumb idea. I can’t be mad at my best friends anymore and decide to intentionally ignore them in school and not visit their classrooms and hang out with someone else in the lunch break to seek their attention and get all the care and be pampered. I’ll miss it. There won’t be any lessons that we’ll all read together and make fun of together or those we fight over. There will be no large groups of people you’re only acquainted with, hooting at some cheesy conversation you had with your supposed crush. And you wouldn’t have those mini eye contacts and high fives with people who were your closest friends a few years ago and although you don’t talk much but they’re important to you. I’m gonna miss that.I’m gonna miss how we dread standing in those Tuesday assemblies or how we attack each other’s food in the cafeteria with our forked weapon,or how we help each other make up stories to save us from trouble. There will be no washroom in the world again where I’d want to spend hours only sitting on the floor with my girlfriends. Those are the things I’m gonna miss.
Taking someone’s hand into your own is the most beautiful gesture you can ever make. It’s like you want them to trust you, you tell them that you’d take care, you’ll hold. You make them feel your presence in a supportive sense.
Letting them take your hand feels as pleasing. For a moment you feel like you’re free, like you have someone to drive you now, to lead you. There’s someone you can trust for the moment at least.
Ever wondered why in a two-step dance the man leads and the woman follows? He asks for her hand. (Though how I wish it happened the other way round too, but that isn’t the point now.)
Isn’t it too wonderful?
And how is it when you hold each other’s hand? When the fingers interlock? When the palms touch with no distance between them? Simple, it makes the feeling mutual. It makes the control shared, the efforts joint.
It makes the trust mutual.
Isn’t it fascinating how much a simple contact of skins can mean?
You feel all of that, in just a fraction of a second, the one in which it happens, and it’s too much happening all together to for anyone to be able to explain.
And what do we call it when it’s unexplainable?
Yes, Magic it is. ?
At times I wish I could stay still for sometime. Just lie on my bed, blankly staring at the roof, not moving a single cartilage. Just lie with my eyes open and feel the stillness. It makes me calm and sooths me down. I start to notice the color of the roof and feel my heart throb. I can hear the fan and the sound of the turning pages, I start noticing the voices from outside instead of just hearing noises. And then slowly as I still keep still, they become sharp noises again, I start hearing sounds which have no real source. The colour of the roof slowly starts to change mysteriously and instead of feeling my pulse i feel the slight trembles they cause in all my muscles. All the calm and the soothness change into anxiety, into fear and my brain starts to feel the rush of every passing second. It gets difficult for me to take it any longer and suddenly, I shut my eyes.
I shut my eyes to signal my brain that i should shut all my senses. I can no more see the changing colors or hear the noises. I don’t feel the trembles anymore, not because my heart stopped beating but because i shut my senses, don’t want to feel it anymore, I’m in denial mode. I could’ve got up and get back to my work, but closing my eyes required less effort and of course slowly I fell asleep.
Ever wonder why we call it falling when we love or sleep? Because it’s when we can’t balance or control ourselves, we hit the bottom, really hard after that. We hit the bottom to wake up. Wake up with either some pain and experience or some pain and a wound.
I didn’t have a sound sleep but it was satisfying, and as I woke up I realized it had been hours, but it felt as if it had just been a few minutes of rest, how could it be?
It was dark outside. There was no one around. Neither did I have the time nor any energy to complete my tasks now. The only thing I could feel was some regret. I could have spent that time talking to people, I could have used it to achieve my goals, I could have created amazing experiences of it. Sleeping was important of course but it was required after I was tired. It would have been relaxing then. When it had already turned dark and there was no one around like now. I should have slept then.
Keeping still is attractive indeed. Doing nothing can also be satisfying. But it doesn’t produce anything except for regret, and it definitely can’t make one happy. Ocean waves raise fish but still water raises parasites.
I hope we don’t do this to our lives.
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